Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Interview

by Von Droomer

INTERVIEWER: So, are you ready for the next portion of the interview, Mr. Droomer?
APPLICANT: Of course.
INTERVIEWER: Ok, let me just get my notes together. There we go! Alright, name a time when you displayed great leadership skills.
INTERVIEWER: Take your time. Remember, this can be anything.
APPLICANT: May I ask a question?
APPLICANT: What does it matter?

APPLICANT: What's the point?
INTERVIEWER: Well, here at Retail Megacorp, we take pride in the leadership abilities of our employees, and -
APPLICANT: You mean like the stock guy with dreads who 'leads' himself to the snack aisle every night to sneak a discount bag of corn chips? Or are we talking about the cashier I had last week who was too busy talking to her bff that dropped by to notice she charged me twice for my printer paper?
INTERVIEWER: Well, I don't think you can judge based on those isolated incidents.
APPLICANT: Fair enough, but I would assume that means you can't judge me on my lack of world experience if you're willing to hire keepers like that.

INTERVIEWER: Perhaps we should move to the next question.
APPLICANT: Bring it on.
INTERVIEWER: Name a time when you had several tasks that needed to be completed and you had to prioritize to finish them all on time.
APPLICANT:  *blank stare* Are you serious?

INTERVIEWER: Is there a problem?
APPLICANT: Oh, no problem, you're just asking me if I've done something that everyone has had to do at some point in life. How about this - when I was six, I wanted to build a city in the middle of my room, but I also wanted to play my new pokemon game. You know what I did? I sat there confused because I wasn't born with the common sense to do both of those things. My brain overheated, I was taken to the hospital where I waited for four hours because some stupid gunshot victim came in and they had to PRIORITIZE. And that's when the lightbulb clicked and I knew that if the time ever came where I needed to explain to someone if I had ever prioritized, I wouldn't sound like a drunk baboon trying to recite the worker's manual.
INTERVIEWER: I'm sensing some hostility...
APPLICANT:  Strange. I thought I was being calm and reasonable. Shall we move on.
INTERVIEWER: Ok, last question - name a time where you took responsibility for a mistake that you made.
APPLICANT: Oh, that's easy. I applied to this one place because I needed a part-time job to make finances a little easier to handle for me and my girlfriend. I applied to this place because it looked fairly simple, a place I could go to and work with minimal stress because it was a simple job that anyone could do. I realized my mistake as soon as the application process started and I realized this particular company made you jump through more hoops that a trained poodle. So here I am, fixing that mistake by telling you no, I would not like this job, and if you want a piece of advice, stop taking yourself so seriously.
I was then politely shown the door. 

But really. To all of those companies out there, I realize that it's a bad economy and there are a lot of people looking for jobs. But how can your standards be so high while being so low? The questions you ask at these interviews are completely inane. It's time to take a step back, really look at the jobs you're hiring for, and please, PLEASE stop taking it so seriously. Getting hired on in a stock position should not feel like being screened for government clearance. You may have the company's best interest in mind, but you come off as arrogant douches and present an environment I and many others do not want to work in.

And as for the two major retailers who act like they're in Highlander or something - you know who you are - just remember that you are still a discount retail chain and nobody respects you. Good day.

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